There's Nothing Like Wrapping Up a Long Work Day with a Little Credit Card Fraud

Last night I received the following text message:

"<> Fraud Department needs to speak with you about activity on your account. Please call XXX-XXX-XXXX ASAP."

Its a message you hope you never receive. But its also a comforting message. It feels good to know that my credit card company is looking out for me. (Well, really they're looking out for themselves, too, but we'll pretend its all about me.)

I hadn't lost my card, but someone had still gotten hold of my card info somehow and went on a little online shopping spree. Well, the shopping spree of an anti-social, basement-dwelling, Code Red-drinking teenage boy at least. EVERY SINGLE fraudulent charge (and there were quite a few) was for Gamefly and Marvel Entertainment.

So thank you, Credit Card Company, for recognizing that I had not taken a sudden interest in Captain America or launching an epic Halo 2 campaign.

Side Note: I'm so unfamiliar with the comic book world that I had to go to Marvel.com to find out which comic book characters were actually theirs. On the site you can search characters by category (Heroes, Mutants, Villains, etc). But the best category of all........Canadian. Really, Marvel?!?!?

I Canoed 18 Miles Against a Head Wind, and It Sucked

Last month, John and I (and by that I mean mostly I) organized a canoe trip down the Fox River. We modeled the weekend (and by modeled I mean stole every detail) after a trip we went on last year with a bunch of people we didn't know. We had a great time last year and figured we'd have even more fun if we went with all of our friends.

Overall the weekend was a spectacular success of camping, drinking, canoeing, drinking, board games, and drinking. There are way too many great stories to tell them all here, but lets just say the highlights involve roasted marshmallow in places it should never be found, John falling out of the canoe in a most graceful fashion, and one of the most intense games of Apples to Apples I've ever played. Here are a photo that doesn't even begin to show how fun it all was....

Sunburn - Check! Unexplained Scraped Knee - Check! Lack of Shower in 2 days - Check!

But all good times must come to an end, and that end was Sunday. Since John and I had only does this once before, the exact details of the trip were fuzzy. We remembered that one day you had to canoe farther than the other, but didn't remember which day that was. So we set off Sunday expecting a short, leisurely day on the water - maybe 2-3 hours.

The first thing to go wrong was that there was a strong head wind against us the whole time. No more taking it easy and floating the river for us! The next thing was when lunch time rolled around and the designated lunch spot was no where in sight. John was convinced we'd accidentally passed it. I feared something much worse.....that this was the LONG canoe day and we were still not even to the 1/2 way point yet. My fears were confirmed a hour or so later, when I heard John say "Oh, F&#K." Yep, there it was. The spot we were supposed to stop for lunch. But it was already 2:30.

My despair - along with the dirty looks from the rest of the group - grew as we came around bend after bend and we still hadn't reached the end point. Then finally, SIXTH AND A HALF HOURS after we first launched our canoes that morning, we arrived at the end. Or so I thought.......

Turns out I had rented canoes from a different company that was still ANOTHER MILE down the river. As you can imagine, this did not win me any points from the rest of the group. In fact, I think they were all sketching out what kind of Jackie Voodoo Doll to make when they got home. That is if they could still use their hands with all the blisters they'd developed from rowing all day.

We did finally make it to the right drop off spot, caught our ride back to camp, packed up our things and drove back to the city. And surprisingly, everyone is still speaking to me. I think next year we'll just have one day of canoeing.

I'm Still Here

Hi, Internet. Sorry I've been away for awhile, but I'll try to get back to a more regular posting schedule.

Right after my last post we had some sad news and crappy times around the McCloskey household. It is what it is and I don't want to go into it on the World Wide Web right now, but we're working through it and looking toward the future.

Instead, let me catch you up on the good stuff we've been up to this summer......

1) We attended a couple of family weddings in TX and had a great time at both.

2) We saw The Rescue Me Comedy Tour with Denis Leary and were underwhelmed (with the exception of Adam Ferrara). Dear Denis, You will never replicate the awesomeness that is "Asshole", please stop trying to sing your standup.

3) We saw Rush in concert with friends at Summerfest in WI over 4th of July weekend. They rocked. We were drunk.

4) I played possibly the hardest round of mini golf ever during a corporate outing. What course doesn't included barriers so your ball doesn't roll down the hill and onto another green?!?! Needless to say, the scoring was less than legitimate.

5) I saw Counting Crows at Ravinia with a friend and was thoroughly confused. Since when did they get a rapper and about 15 extra musicians? And why was Adam Duritz singing backup on half of the songs?!?!? This was not the Counting Crows of my college years.

6) I began riding my bike to work a couple of weeks ago, which means I'm now one of those insanely annoying bikers that zooms by you at 15mph while yelling "ON YOUR LEFT!!!".

7) We celebrated several birthdays, engagements, and new babies with our wonderful group of friends.


What's up next....

1) The 1st Annual "Booze & Canooze" camping and canoe trip, organized by yours truly. I'm so excited and will be sure to tell you all about it when I get back and sober up.

2) We're heading to TN for our 2nd anniversary to watch Oregon - AKA The Best Team in All the Land - take on John's boys, the Univ. of Tennessee Volunteers. (Stay tuned for what I'm sure will be a rivalry & alcohol filled recap.)

3) DAVE MATTHEWS BAND AT WRIGLEY FIELD!!!! (Yes, this requires all caps.)

4) More birthdays, babies and celebrations with the people that continue to invite me to things for some inexplicable reason.


Thanks to everyone for the support over these last couple of months. Stay tuned for more regularly scheduled lunacy!

Italy Part 2 is coming.........eventually.

I know you're all waiting with baited breath for the next installment of my tales from Italy, but we've had a bit of a disruption here at I Am Lady J (dot) com. Its been a rough couple of weeks for us, but we're recuperating and I hope to be back to bemusing you with my wacky antics soon.

Tales from Italy - Part 1

My first story from vacation isn't technically about Italy at all. Its more about how totally airheaded* but also incredibly lucky I can be sometimes. I'm not joking, y'all. I have done some pretty stupid things over the years, but things have always worked out somehow.

Example #1 - I left my entire wallet in a bar in Little Italy in NYC the night before I was scheduled to fly home. Money, identification, credit cards. All of it lost. Luckily I noticed it was missing the same night and high-tailed it back to the bar where, even luckier still, a kindly stranger had found it on the ground and turned it into the bar completely intact.

Example #2 - I dropped my cell phone at Lollapalooza two years ago and noticed it was missing halfway through Kanye West's performance. After using John's cell to call my phone repeatedly for about 30 minutes, someone answered and was kind enough to meet me by the food booths and return it to me.

And that brings me to my most recent blunder......

We arrived at O'Hare for our flight and I handed my passport to the ticketing agent.

Her: "I'm not finding any reservation under 'Lane'."

Me: "No, the last name is McCloskey."

Her: "Well, your passport says 'Lane'."

Me: "............"

That's right, internet. I hadn't updated my passport since John and I got married almost 2 years ago. It hadn't even crossed my mind. How was I going to take a trip to and from Italy (with connecting flights in Frankfurt, Germany) with a passport that didn't match my ticket? As you can imagine, this was going to be a problem.

Her: "Do you have a copy of your marriage certificate?"

Me: "Oh sure. Let me just get out the framed copy I carry around with me everywhere."**

I tried calling the third-party ticketing service I had used to buy the tickets, but they said there was nothing they could do from their end. The airline could update my name on their flights, but that risked cancelling out my connecting flights with another airline in Germany. Finally, the ticketing agent was able to get approval from her superior for me to go through with the unmatching name. We'd just have to see what happened in Frankfurt for the connecting flight and when we tried to return to the U.S. ten days later.

And guess what happened, internet?!?! Nothing. It turned out to not be an issue at all. They didn't even check my passport on the connecting flight to Florence. And both times on the way back we simply showed the ticketing agent our passports, explained the situation, they decided we didn't look to terroristy***, handed us our tickets and sent us on our merry way.


*I don't think this is an actually a word, but its the best one I can think of.

**I did not actually say this to the very nice ticketing lady. Sarcasm never got anyone brownie points with a customer service rep.

***I know! Again with the made up words!

Arrivederci!

In just 3 short days, John and I are headed 'over the pond' to beautiful Italy for vacation. This will be John's 3rd time visiting the country, but I'm an Italy neophyte.

I'm ridiculously excited and wholly unprepared all at the same time. There's still so much to do - find the power adapters, convert some $$ into €, finish studying the guide books, figure out how to pack my entire closet into one suitcase while still leaving room for the 50 lbs of wine, cheese and clothes I plan on returning with.

We'll be staying primarily in Florence, but are planning a few trips around Tuscany, for which I've rented a car that I believe was designed for a hobbit. I've never driven in a foreign country before (Canada doesn't count), so I'm a little nervous. Plus, like most cars in Europe, it has a manual transmission and I haven't driven a stick in years. Couple all this with the notoriously crazy driving of Italians and I'm pretty sure this could all end in some sort of international incident.

I'll be sure to take copius notes (I've already purchased a brand new moleskin notebook for the occasion) and will chronicle all our adventures here when we return. See you in June, internet! Buena fortuna!

Two Truths and A Lie

Last month my book club read the classic novel "Catcher in the Rye" by J.D. Salinger. I'd never actually read it as a teenager. It wasn't required in any of my English classes and I was too busy reading Stephen King and John Grisham to worry about the ramblings of a depressed, silver-spooned teen boy in the 1940's.

But the book isn't really the point of this post. This is about the game we were supposed to play at the meeting called 'Two Truths and A Lie". If you've ever been to summer camp or in a sorority, you've probably played this game before. The name pretty much sums it up. You tell 3 things about yourself. Two of them are true and one of them isn't. Then everyone else has to guess which one is the lie. We were supposed to focus on stories from our teen years, since Holden Caulfield was sixteen (I think?!?!) in the book.

I say we were "supposed to play" because we didn't actually end up doing it. All but two of us forgot and no one wanted to try to make things up on the spot. Instead, the two that had actually done their BC "homework" told their stories and we guessed which were lies (I picked the wrong one both times). Then we just spent the next half hour or so telling stories from our teen years. Stories of parties and boys and car accidents. And its funny that even though we all grew up in different towns with different friends and different families, the stories were all pretty similar.

So, since I didn't tell my two truths and a lie at book club, I decided I'd play it with you, internet! Here we go....

Story A - My junior year, my date ditched me in the middle of the Sadie Hawkins dance to go over to another girl's house. He even premeditatively left his car at the school earlier in the day so he'd have an easy getaway.

Story B - My junior year I broke the school track & field record for Triple Jump and went to the state championships.

Story C - I was a terrible swimmer and would fake illness or injury every time we had to swim in gym class.

So, internet, which is the lie?

Shameless Self-Promotion (But For a Good Cause)

From May 1-26th I'll be participating in a Read-a-thon for Open Books, a non-profit social venture that operates a bookstore, provides community programs and promotes literacy in Chicago and beyond!

You can support this wonderful organization (and me) in three ways - donate a flat amount on my fundraising page, pledge to donate an amount based on the # of pages I read in May, or sign up to participate yourself!

To pledge per page, leave your pledge amount in the Comments section. Once the read-a-thon is complete, I'll let you know the # of pages I read and the donation amount owed. For example, if you pledge 10 cents per page and I read 400 pages, you'll owe $40.

Many thanks for your support -- and don't forget to forward this to anyone who you think might want to donate too!

The Next Ace of Cakes? Okay, Probably Not.

As I mentioned earlier, I celebrated my birthday this weekend and I asked John to make me a birthday cake. It could be from a box and it could be any flavor he wanted. The only rule was that he had to buy, bake it and decorate it.

So off he went Saturday morning to the Jewel Osco to get his supplies. John hates going to the grocery store, so I fully expected a frantic call from him 20 minutes later mumbling about the 500 slightly different variations of chocolate cake mix they carry while he lay curled in a ball in the baking supplies isle.

But he was back about an hour later with the cake, frosting, decorative icing and candles. And the man did well, people! He got chocolate cake with chocolate frosting (possibly the best cake-frosting combination ever), green and yellow decorating icing (GO DUCKS!!) and enough novelty candles to burn down a small village. Actually, I'm not sure how I feel about that last one.

And here's the best part.......he bought the Reduced Sugar cake mix AND frosting! And if you don't know why this statement isn't even the slightest bit sarcastic, please refer to #5 here. Does he know me or what?!

It took everything in my being not to jump right into the kitchen with him and "help", but I think I showed incredible restraint. Instead I busied myself with taking pictures...

John was wary of the Kitchenaide at first, but was soon asking me if he could turn it up all the way to watch the batter fly out of the bowl.

Man, we keep a lot of junk on our countertops!

Can't you just smell the chocolate now?!?!?

Thumb print. Oops!

Frosting like a pro.

This is the point where I stopped watching because I wanted the finished product to be a surprise. And guys, look what it says!

372 Months

Yesterday I turned 372 months old. (That's 31, for those of you that aren't Good Will Hunting. Or have a calculator nearby.)

In years past, you would have been hearing about this for weeks.* Regular reminders and countdowns and what-not leading up to what I usually managed to stretch into a full birthday week, if not birthday month. But something weird happened this year. I just couldn't get myself psyched up when John or others mentioned it or asked me what I wanted.

Now don't get me wrong. I'm not one of those people that dreads getting older or lies about their age. I guess I just feel that after the 30th birthday, only the changing of decades really garners much hullabaloo.** You know, 40, 50, 60, etc. I mean, is there really much difference between 36 and 37? No so much. And to add to the lack of enthusiasm, my birthday fell on a Monday this year. Basically the worst day of the week to celebrate anything.

So yesterday was pretty much like any other day. I went to work and forgot my cell phone at home. Then had yoga class, where I managed to tweak my neck. (To which my mom very helpfully pointed out, "Maybe a 31-year old shouldn't be doing headstands." Thanks, Mom!) Then John and I walked the dog, made dinner and watched 24.

For those of you 20-somethings, take a look at your future birthdays. This is it. So party it up now.

That's not to say I didn't do ANYTHING. I still managed to do a little celebrating on Saturday, which I'll share with you now. Because thats the kind of generous person I am.

The Rock Wall
I started the day by tackling another goal on my Life List. I wanted to get certified to climb the rock wall at our gym. I won't go into detail, because I'll post a separate story later. Lets just say there are pictures. And bruises. And wedgies.

Mythos
That night we had dinner at this little Greek BYOB in Lincoln Square with some of my closest Chi-town friends. Large quantities of saganaki, lamb and wine were consumed and a great time was had by all.

John Baked a Cake
When John asked me what I wanted for my birthday this year, I told him I wanted him to make me a birthday cake and decorate it. This wouldn't seem like a large request, except that John has never baked anything in his life. (Not counting a different kind of baking he did in college.) Again, separate post to follow.

Beer
After dinner we headed to a nearby bar and proceeded to try to rid them of their entire premium draft supply. Lucky for everyone, I forgot to get out my camera for this portion of the night.

Presents!!!!!
I'm so lucky to have such generous and thoughtful friends and family. John once again was a gift-giving rockstar and got me an awesome cast iron skillet that I can't wait to use! And I'm so loaded up on beautiful jewelry and spa gift certificates from everyone that I feel like a Kardashian.

And thats about it! Thanks to everyone that has sent me birthday wishes and helped me celebrate my continued existence! I love you all!


*I realize this blog didn't exist in years past. I'm older, not dumb.

**God bless Google for helping me spellcheck the silly words I like to use.

John Didn't Know What He Was Getting Himself Into

John and I dated for two years and were engaged for one before we got married in 2008. So you would think that we knew each other pretty well by the I Do's. And for the most part we did. We lived together, spent most of our free time together and told each other pretty much everything.

That's why I'm kind of proud of the following things I was able to hide from him until he was legally bound to me for the rest of his life:

1. I like country music and CMT. Not exclusively and not all the time, but yes.

2. I am a big fan of teen movies, especially those made for ABC Family.

3. Ditto for tv shows on Lifetime, WeTV and Bravo.

4. I will mercilessly badger him for a collection of animals that we don't have room for; including but not limited to - a turtle, a monkey, a guinea pig, a hedgehog, and a slow loris.

5. I buy low-fat or non-fat everything.

6. I will do almost anything I can to avoid changing the litter box.

7. My car is always on Empty and will require him to fill it up any time he wants to go anywhere.

8. I know just enough words to every old, cheezy or annoying song on the radio to make his head explode as I sing off-key. Loudly.

That poor man. He never stood a chance.

I Am *So* That Person

Have you ever been a member of a book club or other discussion group? Was there that one person in the group that always seemed to have an opinion or monopolized the conversation? If you can't think of anyone that fits that description, then its probably you.

Well, I recently realized that I'm totally that person in my monthly book club. I swear that I wasn't always this way. In the beginning, I was one of the quieter ones. But something happened over the years and now I can't seem to shut myself up.

I try to stop, I swear. I even tell myself, "Okay, Jackie. This time you are only going to comment on every third subject that comes up." But then I get there and before I know it my mouth is opening and closing non-stop and I hear myself going on and on and on and on.

It probably doesn't help that we usually have wine during our meetings. Two glasses and my filter almost completely disappears. Its like being in a book club with Lisa Lampanelli.

Actually, that would be pretty awesome. In fact, nevermind. Let me pour a glass and tell you all about my opinions on our latest book. Just don't expect to get a word in edgewise.

Things That Make Me Feel Stabby

Things That Make Me Feel Stabby:

1) People that use the bathroom stall right next to me even though EVERY OTHER stall is open.

2) Glenn Beck.

3) People that litter on the street 5 feet away from a trash can.

4) Twilight Moms.

5) Drivers that think the rules of the road do not apply to them.

6) Guys that wear their pants around their knees

7) Glenn Beck.

8) Being asked "When are you due?". I am not, nor have I ever been, pregnant. Thankyouverymuch.

9) Able-bodied people that stand still on escalator - especially if you block me from being able to walk past you.

10) No serious. I really hate Glenn Beck.

My Life List - 2010 Edition

A year or two ago several of my friends told me that they were creating a "30 Things To Do Before I'm 30" list. And I, of course, decided I needed one too. (What can I say, I'm part lemming. I think it was on my maternal great-grandmother's side.)

The problem was that my 30th birthday was only about a year away and my list was pretty ambitious. By the time my I hit the big 3-0, I had only accomplished 7 of the list items. That's when I decided to turn it into a "Life List" (AKA a "Bucket List", but I hate that name).

I'm continuously marking off items as I accomplish them - this blog was one - and adding new goals as I think of them. They can be as simple and short-term as attending one of the movies in the park that Chicago holds every summer (accomplished Summer 2008) to swimming with dolphins (not yet, but let me know if you're friendly with some dolphins that might like to hang out with me).

The problem I came across a couple of months ago is that I keep adding really grandiose items that take time, money or a combination of the two. Things that will most likely not happen in the immediate future. Things like trips to Africa or completing a marathon. So I decided that, in order to stay motivated, I needed to identify the things on my list I could complete within the year. And that is how I come up with "My Life List - 2010 Edition".

I'm not going to give you the full 2010 list (a girl has to maintain a modicum of mystery), but here are a few goals:

1. Get completely out of credit card debt. - This was a big one and something I've been working on for a few years. And I'm so happy to say that I'm only 1-2 payments away from it actually happening!!

2. Take tennis lessons. - I'm signing up for a 3-week class in May. If you're in Chicago and want to take it with me, let me know.

3. Donate to at least 5 separate charities. - I can't believe this one is already done! I'll admit that the amounts I've contributed don't exactly compare with Bill & Melinda Gates, but it feels great to support wonderful organizations like Children's Memorial Hospital, United Way, Red Cross Haitian Relief Efforts, and National Public Radio (NPR).

I'll let you know as I continue to check things off my list. But in the mean time, what's on your list?

The Things I See in the Shower

My shower is tiled with brown slate. I think. I don't know. I'm not a tileologist.

It looks like this:



And sometimes, while I'm patiently waiting the recommended 2-3 minutes before rinsing my conditioner, I see new images in the tile. Like when you used to lie on your back in the yard as a kid and see images in the passing clouds. I've seen hearts, birds, teddy bears, faces, and ghosts. Today I even saw a leprechaun. But that could have been a Post Traumatic Stress Disorder flashback from my St. Patrick's Day celebrations last week.

Trying to find new images is like a fun little game that makes my showers more interesting. Its almost enough to make up for the fact that I don't have a ledge to set my foot on when I shave my legs. Almost.